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On Star, On Star, First On Star I Bought Tonight

All rights reserved for hands free billing.

As I was sailing down the highway, smells of the newly arrived spring wafted through the air conditioning ducts slightly tinged with Freon. Suddenly my purse began vibrating followed by “Hail to the Chief” the new ring tone my children had installed.

I began the cell phone search in my purse which was accompanied by the Cell Phone Hokey Pokey. You know what I’m talking about. “You put your head down, you put your head up, you put your head down and you swerve the car about. You do the Hokey Pokey while searching all about. That’s why the driver’s shout!”

It was after one of these close encounters in the third lane, that we decided our next car would be equipped with On Star. I had seen the commercials on television: the lone driver on a deserted road, the quick turn to avoid road kill, and then smash into a tree. A calm voice comes from somewhere above, which could be a bit disconcerting if you have just had a crash, and says “Air bags have been deployed. Are you alright?” A very weak voice from the driver’s side says “Send help!” Then the voice from above says “I’m sending help. I will stay on the line with you until help arrives.” I wondered what they would talk about. “How bout those Mavericks. Seen any good movies lately? Can you believe what they were wearing on the red carpet at the Oscars?”

While safety might have been the main concern for my husband, the real selling point for me was the hands free phone device. All I had to do was speak to the rearview mirror and a call would be made to my party. If someone wanted me, all they had to do was call my car phone number and the phone would ring and a pleasant choppy voice was say “Call for… Driver”. Then I merely have to press the button on the steering column to answer.

This could be very helpful in a school zone where use of a cell phone carries a hefty fine. No one would notice a parent having an animated conversation with an invisible occupant or even if you missed the answer button and hit the horn, or the windshield wipers, or activated the hazard lights, you would still go unnoticed…parents remember?

I drove my sister’s Denali the other day. I love the projected speed and temperature that is focused on the windshield on the driver’s side. Now if On Star could do that with Caller I.D. I could answer only the calls I wanted to answer. Of course, if you are a slow reader, the projected caller I.D could be the cause for that voice from above saying

“Air bags deployed. What, you couldn’t read any faster?”