Who Says You Can't Dance?



For the man (and it's usually a man) whose dancing experience has consisted of a clumsy repertoire of bobbings, gyrations, and lunges; a man whose "dancing smile" looks just as convincing as it would on the face of a person being drawn and quartered; and for whom the dance floor is instinctively recognized as "The Arena of Shame," these handy lessons are offered. They are easy as pie and–with enough alcohol–can be convincingly executed by anyone.


The Frankenstein Shuffle


While not a fellow we would consider the life of the party, Frankenstein's monster had an undeniable presence–a certain emotional detachment which allowed him to get through any job with an admirable sang froid. It is this detachment that we seek to emulate here.


1. Stand erect with hands slightly in front of you, forming fists. Look ahead, “through” your partner. No expression on the face is required.
2. Gently and almost imperceptibly, rock your body left and right while sliding your foot forward an inch or so, alternating feet.

If a half dead man with the intelligence of a three-month-old could conceivably pull this off, so can you. There is a hidden bonus since you're allowing your partner to show off her own flashy moves while you remain in the shadows, so to speak. Adapted for slow dancing, one hand is placed lightly on the partner’s scapula, the other clasping her hand. The danger of crushing toes is happily avoided since your shoes never leave the ground.


The Bad Boy Stir


Here we're a little more demonstrative and yet there are only three steps in this busy number. 


1. We begin as in the first dance, with clenched fists raised to waist level. Lean forward, leering mysteriously and plant one foot firmly in front of you. 
2. Rotate both fists as if stirring cake batter. 
3. While thrusting out the lips into an “oo," squint one eye. Repeat, squinting the opposite eye while changing feet. An additional flair may be gained by flapping your elbows but not so much that it resembles the dance known in nursery schools as "The Baby Duck Strut." This would, of course, destroy any "badness" you've generated to this point.
And once lost, badness is a difficult thing to recover.






The Masai Warrior Hop 'n Spin


1. Hop on every beat of the music. Increase the height of your hops until you've reached an elevation well above the crowd. (Keep the hands at your sides since this is helpful in gaining altitude.)  

2. Now that you're warmed up, execute a complete spin while airborne, landing neatly in your original place–or not, as your alcohol consumption may dictate.

3. Increase your velocity until you're a continuous, hopping blur. You will never be asked to dance again. And isn't this our objective?