1.03 Girls for Every Boy

            The demographic news from around the world is dire.

            China will soon have 24,000,000 more men than women.   

            The opposite is true here--women outnumber men by 4,000,000. 

            A 1.03 to 1 female-to-male ratio isn’t the “Two girls for every boy” heaven dreamt of by Jan and Dean, but we’re getting there.

            A material imbalance between the two major sex groups is not good.  At some American colleges the G.P.A.’s of incoming females are half a point higher than men’s.  They have to be to keep the female/male ratio below 60/40, at which point males become heartless cads (if not already), and flit without remorse from one debauched coed to another like bees supping flowers.

            Thinking globally and acting locally, there’s only one thing to do.

            It’s time to start exporting American women to China.

            Don’t get me wrong.  My mom was an American woman, my sisters are American women, I married an American woman—some of my best friends are American women.  But consider the alternative.

            We have nowhere to put 24,000,000 surplus Chinese men.  Even if we did, the U.S. currently has a $20.2 billion trade deficit with China, an all-time high.  We need to increase our exports, not imports, and the U.S. leads the world in the production and manufacture of American women. 

            What harm is there in having extra women around?  Here’s an example.

            At the college I attended males outnumbered females by 1.4 to 1, and hostilities between men over available women escalated rapidly from cutting remarks to violence.  At a party in my apartment one night I found two normally affable men in my bedroom, squaring off over a blonde who’d been playing the coquette.

            “Look at you!” I said, separating them.  They fell silent.  “This is my bedroom.  I need it for a fight with an addle-brained New England WASP over a winsome sociology major!”

            Reverse the genders and you’ll see the problem.  Do we really want American women getting into hair-pulling matches in lavishly-furnished bedrooms, exposing high thread-count sheets and duvet covers to decorating mayhem?  I don’t think so.

            It isn’t every woman who needs to be exported, just the ones running up huge debts that make China our largest creditor—we owe them $13 billion! 

            Did you borrow money from China?  I know I didn’t.  It must have been those surplus women.

            Exporting free-spending women has a “multiplier” effect with benefits for our economy.  Fewer “hostess” gifts will be purchased and given to other women, who then respond with even nicer presents.  We’d finally get off the beggar-thy-neighbor treadmill and start living within our means.

            Getting men to volunteer their wives for export will be difficult, and we can anticipate tearful scenes as the women are loaded onto container ships by sweating stevedores.  Men watching can turn to their wives and say “If you get your shopping under control, we can preserve you for domestic consumption rather than export.”

            Think about it, okay?  The wife you save may be your own.