How to Create a Turducken
The word “turducken”
is a recent addition to the American vocabulary and culture. It can mean one of
two things:
1. A popular,
but ghastly Thanksgiving holiday feast where a duck is stuffed into a turkey
and a chicken is stuffed into the duck; or
2. As a
simile, a plan that is rather futile or unnecessary.
I have experienced
them both and will address them simultaneously.
Required Tools and
Ingredients:
1 slightly greased, fully equipped QF 25-pounder Howitzer cannon.
1 roll of duct tape.
1 steel tripod, set up at 100 yards in front of the
Howitzer.
1 cleaned and plucked 25lb turkey, firmly mounted on the tripod
in “tee-off” position (i.e., backside facing the Howitzer with knees slightly
bent).
1 9lb. lame duck seized and bound into the shape of a cannon
ball - tail up.
2 live 3lb. chickens (you only need one, the backup is
necessary in case the first little bugger misses its target).
1 blowtorch, used to sear any unlikely remaining feathers.
1 half cup of homemade gunpowder (15% Charcoal, 10% Sulphur and 75% Potassium Nitrate combined
in that order, and milled for 24
hours).
1 first aid kit.
1 greased 48” x 72” wooden
ramp.
You will need the assistance of an
unemployed Sumo Wrestler to load and unload
the cannon. Pay him minimum wage
– no benefits.
Using the wooden ramp, pile all of the
tools and ingredients into a rented U-Haul truck, drive about 100 miles away
from civilization, and park.
After about three hours of tugging and
pushing, the cannon will eventually roll down the wooden ramp and be removed
from the truck. Set the cannon up at a 25-degree angle.
Get the tripod and turkey, walk 100 paces
in front of the Howitzer, and secure the tripod to the nearest tree. Next,
mount the turkey to the tripod in “tee-off” position. Secure the turkey with
duct tape. Walk back and site the Howitzer, aiming directly at the part of the
turkey that goes over the fence last, or as it is known in some circles “the
Pope’s nose.”
Put three tablespoons of gunpowder into the
cannon and insert the duck - tail first.
Fire when ready.
Assuming that the duck is on target, reload
by putting two tablespoons of gunpowder into the cannon and toss in one of the
panic-stricken chickens.
Fire when ready.
At this point, if there are any ruffled
feathers sticking out of the turducken, you may sear them with the blow torch.
However, the process usually eliminates bones and feathers.
Gather everything up and drive back home.
If there are any gaps or holes in the bird,
you may fill them with the Swedish Chef’s recipe for smashed potato and onion
stuffing and roast the anomaly for eight hours in a 350-degree oven.
The good news about this exercise in
futility: If it was not quite successful, you still end up with a turducken of
sorts (see definition 2).