How to Create a Turducken
The word “turducken” is a recent addition to the American vocabulary and culture. It can mean one of two things:
1. A popular, but ghastly Thanksgiving holiday feast where a duck is stuffed into a turkey and a chicken is stuffed into the duck; or
2. As a simile, a plan that is rather futile or unnecessary.
I have experienced them both and will address them simultaneously.
Required Tools and Ingredients:
1 slightly greased, fully equipped QF 25-pounder Howitzer cannon.
1 roll of duct tape.
1 steel tripod, set up at 100 yards in front of the Howitzer.
1 cleaned and plucked 25lb turkey, firmly mounted on the tripod in “tee-off” position (i.e., backside facing the Howitzer with knees slightly bent).
1 9lb. lame duck seized and bound into the shape of a cannon ball - tail up.
2 live 3lb. chickens (you only need one, the backup is necessary in case the first little bugger misses its target).
1 blowtorch, used to sear any unlikely remaining feathers.
1 half cup of homemade gunpowder (15% Charcoal, 10% Sulphur and 75% Potassium Nitrate combined in that order, and milled for 24 hours).
1 first aid kit.
1 greased 48” x 72” wooden ramp.
You will need the assistance of an unemployed Sumo Wrestler to load and unload the cannon. Pay him minimum wage – no benefits.
Using the wooden ramp, pile all of the tools and ingredients into a rented U-Haul truck, drive about 100 miles away from civilization, and park.
After about three hours of tugging and pushing, the cannon will eventually roll down the wooden ramp and be removed from the truck. Set the cannon up at a 25-degree angle.
Get the tripod and turkey, walk 100 paces in front of the Howitzer, and secure the tripod to the nearest tree. Next, mount the turkey to the tripod in “tee-off” position. Secure the turkey with duct tape. Walk back and site the Howitzer, aiming directly at the part of the turkey that goes over the fence last, or as it is known in some circles “the Pope’s nose.”
Put three tablespoons of gunpowder into the cannon and insert the duck - tail first.
Fire when ready.
Assuming that the duck is on target, reload by putting two tablespoons of gunpowder into the cannon and toss in one of the panic-stricken chickens.
Fire when ready.
At this point, if there are any ruffled feathers sticking out of the turducken, you may sear them with the blow torch. However, the process usually eliminates bones and feathers.
Gather everything up and drive back home.
If there are any gaps or holes in the bird, you may fill them with the Swedish Chef’s recipe for smashed potato and onion stuffing and roast the anomaly for eight hours in a 350-degree oven.
The good news about this exercise in futility: If it was not quite successful, you still end up with a turducken of sorts (see definition 2).