13-006

Outdoor Gardening Made Easy

First you must prepare the soil. This is done by turning it over, much the same way your Aunt Fudd turns over your Uncle Fudd to get him to stop snoring. Next, you must break up the clods so the soil is an even texture—calling for an action similar to the punches Uncle Fudd receives in both eyes when he rolls over and tells Aunt Fudd to stuff it.

Next, it is important to fertilize the soil. Do this by borrowing a truck and then stopping in at the nearest nursery, relinquishing your wallet, signing a promissory note against your soul, and loading up the truck with dozens of bags of the same material you could get free if you stood out in a cow pasture long enough.

I never said any of this made sense.

Returning home, you must now work the manure into the flowerbed soil. You will accomplish two things by doing this. First, you will have wonderfully fertile soil. Second, the god-awful smell will keep the door-to-door salespeople away for most of the summer—also anyone else who breathes. Your garden will be perfect; there just won’t be anyone but you and the swarming colony of flies to appreciate it.

Soil ready? Now plant your seedlings. And once they are in the ground, bear in mind that scientific research has disclosed that talking to your plants improves their health, so you are encouraged to do so. If you are unsure of what to discuss, try to find subject that might be of interest to them. Talk about sewing with a cactus. Or perhaps a conversation about the FBI with your Virginia Creeper? After a while it will become second nature to you, and with any luck at all, you may actually stay out of the lunatic asylum long enough to see them all bloom.

Where you have plants, you inevitably have garden pests—and no, I’m not talking about your Aunt Fudd. I mean pests with six legs.

Oh.

No wonder she spends so much on shoes.

Actually, I’m referring to insect pests, and the best thing to discourage insects is insecticide. If killing the little blighters doesn’t discourage them, I don’t know what will.

The last thing you must understand for a beautiful garden is watering. I usually water first thing in the morning, others swear by early evening, and my dog will water it any time no one is looking.

In conclusion, gardening should be relaxing. If your neighbor is also a gardener, it can be fun to engage in a friendly competition; but if you begin to fall behind, don’t get grumpy; use it as a opportunity to learn from him: how to prune correctly, how to maximize a small space, how to fill his watering can with gasoline, how to landscape his flowerbed with a burning log. . .

After all, the best way to learn effective watering is from the pros—the fire department!