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Today, we’ll consider the subject of after dinner speeches – how to give them, not avoid them (the latter requiring merely one simple piece of instructional advice: stay home).
Personally,
I’ve never been fearful of giving after dinner speeches, partly because I’m
rarely invited to dinners. But on occasions when I’m selected as “the last resort,”
I follow these guidelines:
Begin by
planning your speech well in advance. The most effective presentations are
written before the meal, not scribbled on a soiled napkin during dessert. Bear
in mind that your speech will be presented while the audience finishes a meal,
so aim to encourage digestion rather than regurgitation.
Keep your
speech brief, but the topic lively and entertaining. Unless you’re addressing a
room full of toxicologists, a one-hour lecture on food poisoning is not going
over well, especially if guests start referring to the Smoked Salmon entrée as
Smoked Salmonella.
Avoid
controversial topics, too, such a politics, religion, and the grossly
inaccurate expense account annually reported by the company CEO. Guests at
office dinner functions are just itching to break out into a Three Stooges-like
free-for-all food fight. So don’t give them the slightest excuse for provocation.
Once you
begin talking, stay alert. It’s generally considered rude to fall asleep during
your speech before the other dinner guests do.
Beginning
your speech with a joke is expected, so take the opportunity for a friendly
coworker jab: “Tonight, my speech will have you all on the edge of your seats.
Oh wait, I see after five glasses of wine Mr. Witherspoon is already there…”
But don’t become too personal by, for instance, mocking a colleague’s physical
appearance – even if Bob from the mailroom basement has grown to resemble Jabba
the Hutt in the past year.
Speaking
of alcohol, remember its well-documented tongue-loosening effects. So sip
Dasani, not Daiquiri’s, during the evening. Otherwise, you may spill office
secrets to management: “My kids think I own a time machine because I officially
stop work at 5 pm, and I’m always home by 4:30.” Many an after dinner speech
has led to early retirement.
Brevity is
another key to a successful speech. The
Gettysburg Address was only two minutes long, so don’t fall in love with the
sound of your own voice. Anything longer than 10-15 minutes will have guests
reaching for concealed weapons.
Do strive
to display self-confidence; it will relax both you and the audience. No one
likes to see a nervous speaker bathed in a river of sweat, or other body
fluids. Speak clearly, loudly, and directly without the use of rhetorical
figures of speech – avoid metaphors like the plague. By all means use body
language to emphasize your message, but avoid aggressively brandishing props
towards the audience, especially if they take the form of sharp, pointed
tableware.
Opening
with a little humor and ending on a high note (with not a whole lot in between)
will ensure a well-received after dinner speech.