Ladies, Gentlemen, and gender non-identifying folks,
I am pleased as spiked punch to be your honored “Be Well, Be Swell” luncheon speaker here at “The Malaise & Angst Support Alliance.” Hello – or should I say – “Swello?”
We in the wellness community are deeply shocked at the untimely demise of your director Mr. Ervin T. Crabtree, III. Goodness, who knew you could overdose on extra strength canine breath mints?
Life can be a cruel kick below the old belt. Misery caused by a noggin brimming with emotional clutter and toxic memories will make mincemeat of the best egg. And Ervin was a good egg.
On a lighter note,
I bring you happiness news from the Department of Awareness & Mindfulness Research Center at Delphic U. Recent studies based more or less on neuroscience indicate that meditation is THE magic bullet to ease our body-mind-spirit suffering.
Meditation is a very simple technique. It’s not missile surgery. However, there are several critical points to keep in mind as you, um, clear your mind.
Old habits die hard as nails. Your negative thoughts are involved in a conspiracy of cognitive mischief to make you sick as a doggone cat on a hot tin roof.
Has the bank foreclosed on your home? Wife skip out on you? Kids delete your texts? Slap a smiley on your har-har-heartbreak.
Pardon me... I promised I wouldn’t cry.
MEDITATION IS SERIOUS BUSINESS
No matter how foolish you feel, there is absolutely NO giggling, NO chuckling, NO snorting, and especially NO guffawing in meditation.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Relax your body. Loosen that grip of tension that makes you want to choke your spouse. Focus on the muscles you are clenching… and release. Stop that squeezing!
YOU MUST REMEMBER TO BREATHE
When I’m despondent, I forget to breathe and I turn a peculiar shade of cyan. This makes me unduly twitchy and ruins many an intimate moment.
Take a deep breath. Hold it… Let it out. OOPS. There goes someone’s toupee.
In order to meditate effectively, you must not only trust the loving universe, but also yourself. Close your eyes. No peeking.
Affirmations are the meat of the nut. Repeat after me:
I am humble.
I am happy.
I am mellow… or should I say “swellow?”
PLEASE note that meditation is more effective if you PUT THE CHEESECAKE AND DECAF DOWN.
Let us continue… close BOTH eyes.
I am calm.
I am patient.
I am peaceful. OOPS. Someone fainted at the front table. Remember to BREATHE!
I am well.
I am wonderful.
I am woman. Hear me roar. I feel pretty, oh so pretty. OOPS. Too many good vibrations.
In conclusion: Swaddle your soul in meditative bliss and soon you will find yourself in fine fettle… hale and hearty… bursting with frivolity and – well - quite swell.
Namaste… um, whatever that means.