13-019

YES, VIRGIL LINN, THERE IS A GLOBAL WARMING

I ran into my good friend over at The Globe-Journal-Post yesterday and he didn’t want to talk about how the merger of three prominent newspapers had raised his blood pressure ten-fold. Instead he chose to boast about the following letter he’d received, and how consequently he would now be known as a modern-day Francis P. Church.

Dear Eddie Torr,

My best bud, Lonnie, thot I should rite to you. He’s into lots of hi tek gaggets, like … meat thermometers, and diggital thermometers, and my favorite, the ol’ mercury in the middle thermometer. Anyhoo, Lonnie and I, we keep hearin’ about all this Global Warming stuff, and cuz I’m not easily swayed by the masses, I thot I’d see fer myself what the truths is. So I grabbed my blackened Decker, and drill-baby-drilled myself a hole in Junior’s globe. Ya know, the kind that spins? And I stuck one of Lonnie’s mercury-in-the-middle thermometers in there, and waited fer a spell. Even spun the globe a few times, fer proper orbituary effect, but I have to report that there wasn’t one eye oat uh of change in that mercury.

This was severed weeks ago, so it was still hotter than Devilled ham for breakfast, and Lonnie says to me “If the earth is gettin’ hotter like they says, then our bodies sure as heck must be gettin’ hotter, too.” To prove his point, we decided to go out back, crack eggs on our four heads, and see if we could fry up amulets right there above our eyes. Nuthin’ happened. Just had egg on our faces. Tell me, are all these climate changering people nuts?

In louie of your response, Lonnie and I are plannin’ to wait a couple of months before we set our dog Poochie’s water bowl outside over-night with my favorite thermometer in it. If that water turns to iced cubes, then we plan on shoutin’ our best debunks into the cold December air.

Ragards,

Virgil Linn Tuppenstoner

My friend, “Eddie Torr,” responded thusly:

Dear Virgil Linn,

You and your friend are – and I mean this in the kindest way - tepid in the perspicacity department. It seems you only believe what you can actually see. Or what smacks you along the side of your head like a two-by-four.

Yes, Virgil Linn, there is global warming. It exists just as certainly as frost on pumpkins in October – or now, in some parts of the country, June or July.

How jolly and hopeful the world would be without the existence – the very threat – of climate change. Go ahead, tear apart the very theory behind it and you might as well annihilate the secret magic behind pledge drives, and the ins and outs – yes, rapid ins and outs – of funding for Planned Parenthood.

Is it all real? You betcha. And it will continue to be real for many generations to come … unless we all melt down to our Nikes, or our tongues freeze to poles, whichever comes first.