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How to Shop for Eye Cream

What with the plethora of products on the market these days, it’s not always easy to know what's right to buy when it comes to the proper therapeutic/remedial products to treat what ails you.

That is, what ails you cosmetically.

And as you begin to ascend to the elevated age that I’ve achieved, an ascent for which there is sadly and undeniably no corresponding descent, you begin to need cosmetological assistance to such a major degree that the mere sight of yourself in the mirror in the morning may drive you back under the covers of your bed, where at least there are no mirrors.

So, purchasing the correct products for the multiple remedial necessities aging afflicts upon you requires skill, discretion, and the ability to say “cosmetological” fast three times, which you also lose as you age.

Take the matter of hair.  

With relatively thin hair since birth, I have always been hair challenged.  Over the years, however, my hair has elevated its initial challenge to formally slapping me on both sides of the cheek and bidding me and my second meet it and its second tomorrow with pistols at dawn. (Fortunately neither I nor my second get up early enough to ever have to take them on.)  However, as a consequence, I've been buying various hair strengthening and thickening products since the Nixon Administration.

Now there are dozens if not hundreds if not hundreds of thousands of products available to address the problem of declining hair, especially if you have a math sense as poor as your hairline, as I do. When buying such products, it's important to carefully check the label.  If the hair admixture you've chosen is described by gentile, judicious, tempered wording such as:

"Marginally Improves the Look of Fine Thinning Hair a Tad Bit"

… it's likely you'll receive about as much cosmetological assistance as a bad comb over. If, on the other hand, you find wording that downright insults and offends you such as:

"For Fine Thin Limp Lousy Hair"

"For Balding Losers With Hair Like John Malkovich or James Carville" or 

"Thickens Hair so at Least You Have a Shot at Getting Women"

… you are as golden as the proverbial calf of Biblical repute.

"Lousy hair?!  John Malkovich?!!  How dare they they insult me in this manner?!!!   Okay, I'll take six of 'em."

So whether it's industrial strength lotion for a face craggy as the coast of Wales, eye cream for the Rocky Raccoon in you, or intensive care for your James Carville hair, one simple principle says it all: 

 You're better off, the more they tick you off.