Dress Nice to Steal


With the state of the economy as it is and gas prices at an all time high the majority of Americans stand a lot to gain from resorting to theft.

Whether you are a gentlemen thief, out for a weekend thrill, or a regular back-alley tomcat variety, is aside from the point. You need not know the virtues of Spinoza's oneness or Descartes' mind-body dualism, just dress well.

So many thieves approach a potential payday dressed like they toured every tavern in the county before noon. These are typically state released, downtrodden men, who have given their lives over to one form of malfeasance or another. They are guaranteed to live out an ephemeral career. I once knew a gentlemen like this. After our talk he came to realize he was approaching the theft business completely wrong. From then on, he got his act together and dresses like Rich "Uncle" Pennybags from Monopoly when doing a job, and now lives in the suburbs with three cars and a George Foreman grill. I see him every once in a while. We lounge around his pool and talk shop. He stole the pool. It was his biggest job yet. He told me that if he hadn’t been dressed nice, the owners would have never believed he was an FBI agent.

            The general attitude of a theft should be thought of as Tim Gunn entering a Michael Kor's workshop.  I only wear nice black Oxford dress shoes, a matching belt, pressed slacks – usually navy or khaki – and a nice button-up shirt. Short sleeve, long sleeve? It doesn’t really matter; dress appropriate to the weather. You don’t want to be too hot, or too cold, it’ll throw off your timing. The more you look like Sinatra the more you’re likely to slide away with class. And, the ladies love it. Often times, they’ll be quite aware that you’re robbing them, but they’ll let it go based on your debonair appearance.

At the Supermarket, don’t even take a cart. All the food you need is abundantly available. You’ve got the fruit and vegetable section right together! When some meddlesome employee observes me eating from the open display I assure him I’ll be weighed in up front. It works every time.

Dogs are not fun to steal. Some of them bite and scratch. That’s no good because they’re indifferent to what you’re wearing. In that case, you’ll more than likely have to buy a new outfit for the next job. Considering the market for overpopulated canines, it’s not worth it.

On one occasion I stole a geriatric medical patient. I put caution aside and wheeled him right out of the hospital. I took him to all the finest restaurants in town, and any movie he wanted to see. He turned savvy to what I was getting at, and eventually put me in his Will. It was worth the effort. He left me his finest suits. Luckily we’re the same size. It has blossomed my career.