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Recently Discovered Variant Strains of Benjamin Button Disease

BBD-A: Most of you ages forwards, but your genitalia age in reverse, making you an ideal cougar, but a distinctly terrifying 16-year-old virgin.

BBD-B: You would age backwards, except that by week three or so of the gestation period, your arthritic, 90-year old bones have broken several ribs and punctured vital organs in your mother's body, and the only way to save her life is to terminate this bizarre, painful, full-size-adult-in-her-uterus pregnancy.

BBD-H: You don't age much at all, but everyone you knew growing up just falls to pieces. Jesus, this reunion is like a visit to the old folks' home!

BBD-R: You age normally, but without ever planning ahead for your golden years, and consequently never manage to actually reach the age of retirement.

BBD-DG: The portrait of you in the attic ages backwards, which is a real slap in the face, since you've been bald since before you graduated high school.

BBD-SP: Carriers of this variation of the disease can never fall below 50 MPH, otherwise they will explode.

BBD-MA: You never age even a single day, but you start and end life at 52, with about twenty extra pounds around the middle and cholesterol issues you just can't seem to kick.

BBD-HF: No one's really sure if you age at all, mainly because your entire body, including your face, is covered with long, silky hair.

BBD-ML: You age normally, but strangely, the people you sleep with all seem to age backwards.

BBD-JR: First you aged forwards, then you aged backwards, then you aged in a weird, sideways zig-zag that's hard for people to wrap their heads around, or love. Also, you're Joan Rivers.

BBD-W: You don't age at all, but every six months or so you grow a new, large wart, a wart that even Dr. Scholl's freeze-away is powerless to deal with. At their deaths, most sufferers just look like vaguely baby-shaped cauliflowers.

BBD-HM: Your age is mystically linked to the condition of a McDonald's happy meal, purchased in 1992, and left out for "scientific" purposes, which explains the large bite out of your head.

BBD-AD: Mentally, you never progress past the age of thirteen, but perversely, each instance of laughing at penis jokes or of masturbation speeds up the physical aging process, meaning you'll almost certainly be dead by twenty.

BBD-ZZ: You age normally, except that no matter what age you are, you have a beard like the ZZ-top guys, which mystically grows back the moment you attempt to cut it.

BBD-M: You age rapidly, but you don't even have Benjamin Button disease. You just really, really like meth.