13-046
The Future of
Archaeology
It is the year
5013.
Despite several
hundred World Wars, twelve Ice Ages, three robot takeovers, seven alien
invasions, and an unfortunate but brief worldwide prohibition on bacon; human
beings have survived.
The Earth, along
with its sister colony on Venus, is experiencing her 177th recorded
Period of Enlightenment – a time of flourishing advances in science, art,
philosophy, and, ever since the recent eradication of male pattern baldness,
cosmetology.
With interest in
ancient history on an upswing, more young scholars have chosen to study
Archaeology. One aspiring student, Fizzeq 7.5, is the Principal Investigator of
an archeological dig that has captured the world’s attention.
Mr. Fizzeq is
leading the data recovery at a site located at Sector 52b, formerly known as
the Shady Acres subdivision of Paramus, New Jersey.
Since the Great
Ocean receded, evidence of an ancient civilization has been uncovered, dating
back to the 21st Century. Although most material remains have eroded,
a curious substance known as “plastic” is conspicuously present in the strata,
shedding light on the ethnography of this primitive society.
After breaking
ground, the archeological team uncovered an assemblage of plastic artifacts
indicating that the humans of this century were quite small in stature. A
veritable fleet of tiny red cars and several hundred pastel colored houses,
along with countless itty-bitty kitchenettes and teensy-weensy tool benches
were unearthed – all still bearing the manufacturer’s mark, “Little Tykes” --
clearly indicating that the humanoids of this era were no taller than three
feet.
Also, a
staggering array of plastic bottles littered the excavation site. Mr. Fizzeq
found that every bottle contained traces of H2O, despite proof that there was
an abundance of easily accessible fresh water in this area.
Even more
puzzling was the discovery of a veritable plethora of plastic bags, each one
tied in a knot, containing petrified canine fecal material, more commonly known
as, “doggie doo-doo.” Mr. Fizzeq planned to further research why this tiny
ancient culture felt the need to bag up and preserve this naturally prolific
substance.
After all,
everyone poops.
Other items
found in copious amounts: sensible footwear labeled “Crocs,” beverage
implements known as K-cups, Ikea furniture, Tupperwear containers, defunct
television remotes, and molded plastic lawn furniture.
But the most
amazing discovery was found just beneath the excavation’s datum point. Deep in
the ancient strata of one of the housepits (a converted split level,
incidentally) lay the well-preserved remains of an ancient tool of
communication, known as an “iPhone.”
Mr. Fizzeq knew
that, by extracting the data from the iPhone, he could effectively reveal a
complete chronology of 21st century humans that would blow the top
off the archaeological world.
However,
exhaustive laboratory testing only disclosed an acronymic language of
colloquial terms including “idk,” “lol,” “srsly,” and “vom.”
That, and
several dozen downloads bearing the common tag “twerk.”
Despite his
disappointment, Mr. Fizzeq went on to successfully finish his doctoral thesis,
aptly entitled, “An archeological analysis of 21st Century culture:
The Dimly-Lit Ages.”