Letter to Santa
[Dictated but not read]
Pursuant to our earlier correspondence, in an effort to avoid a repeat of last year’s misunderstanding, I am hoping this latest revision of the proposed agreement (attached) moves us closer to consensus as to what constitutes “Naughty” v. “Nice.” Following is a summary of my latest comments/queries.
Paragraph 1, section c
Your proposed policy on this matter is discriminatory, to wit: everyone does it, and I know for a fact Jerry Assheimer did and still got a huge haul from you last year. I do not see why I should be held to a higher standard.
Paragraph 3, section d
With all due respect to the U.S. Patriot Act, it is clear that, knowing when I am sleeping and knowing when I am awake constitutes an invasion of my privacy. I propose increased reliance on third party endorsements for ascertaining when I am “bad” or “good.” I will be happy to provide a list of reliable witnesses.
Paragraph 5, section b
If it’s not a problem for the SEC, I see no reason for us to be concerned with it for purposes of this agreement.
Paragraph 6, section h
I don’t understand your position here. Obviously, if my father’s secretary didn’t want to write my reports, she would make the appropriate objections to him. What does it have to do with me?
Paragraph 7, section f
The name-calling clause seems overly restrictive. Santa, I feel even you would be hard-pressed to resist temptation in the presence of someone named “Assheimer.”
Santa, as Christmas Eve is fast approaching, I am hoping we’ll be able to dispense with these last few, minor points quickly. As I’m confident of the inevitability of our coming to an agreement, my Christmas gift list is attached. I have put much time and thought into my selections, so please do not substitute brands or colors.
E. Zachary Bladston III
Attachments: contract (6 pp.), Christmas list (11 pp.)
P.S. In the event you still have reservations, I want to assure you that, in addition to the usual refreshments, there will be a little “something extra” waiting for you, chimneyside. Look under the cookie plate.
P.P.S. You should really start accepting text messages.