Quibbles 'n Bits

My friend announced, "Susan, I love you so much, I named my pet pig after you."

I didn't find the news particularly heartwarming.

The incident fueled my annoyance with pet owners who give their animals human names. Enough things in this world confuse me. Names shouldn't be one of them. Are people too lazy to think up a doggy handle for their Schnauzer? Does the boa constrictor look so much like Aunt Gertrude that the snake must also be called Gertie?

Just last week I heard shouts emanating from my neighbor's yard.

"John, get your nose out of there right now," the woman yelled.

Fingers crossed, I peeked over the fence hoping to verify she was talking to her dog.

I believe Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, and Flicka were perfectly named. A classic film, such as Old Yeller, would never have called its hero, Old Fred. While both Cheeta and Jane were swingers, I always knew which one was the chimp.

Then The Little Rascals aired with its scene-stealing pooch, Petey. The disturbing trend of naming pets after people grew like dust bunnies. Slowly, every Tom, Dick, and Harry became someone's fish, turtle, or parakeet.

Animals are often saddled with human names, but it's equally annoying in reverse. Snoop Dogg is bad enough, but Pee Wee Herman just crosses the line. Celebrities seem to love this trend, while their children are left to endure names such as; Coco, Banjo, Blanket, Prince, and Apple.

Although Newt and Mitt haven't yet made it to the Oval Office, it may not be long before President Snowball and his wife, Lady Bird, (Ooops) reside in the White House.

Recently, my friends' toddler, Karen, pointed to their new puppy and said, "Karen." So, the dog was christened with the same name as their child. During a phone conversation, they reported one of the Karens was great at catching Frisbees in her mouth, and the other no longer pees on the carpet. I couldn't bring myself to ask.

Living with the wrong name can be unsettling. I believe Mr. Ed exhibited signs of low-grade depression. Sylvester displays anger issues toward Tweety Bird, and will continue to rage until he embraces a suitable name, such as Puddy Tat.

Out of Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter, which one became the troublemaker? If Peter had been called Carrot Stick or Nibbles, perhaps he would have been as well-behaved as his siblings.

I fondly remember Dick, Jane, Sally and their two perfectly named pets, Spot and Puff. Now, youngsters read about curious monkeys called George and spiders named Charlotte. Imagine the Wicked Witch threatening, "And your little dog, Bruce, too."

All I ask is to please show a bit of common sense the next time you bestow a name upon your new pet or infant child. Remember the innocent Susan, who at this moment squeals with delight, preparing to dive headfirst into her food. And don't forget, there's also a confused little pig out there with the same name.