14-016

Impersonating A Negotiator

Impersonating a ransom or suicide negotiator can be a burdensome task, particularly if you try it out capriciously one lazy afternoon during lunch break. The preferred means to kibitz while corroborating trust with your new law enforcing cohorts is to proclaim confidence: "I am the negotiator!" To best alleviate doubts, carry a clipboard and briskly push people aside.

With clipboard in hand, full of confidence, and the last bit of an apple from your lunch break, you have announced to uniformed officers what your purpose in life is, and they simply tell you, "Good Luck." Despite this jaded comment, coming from men destined to become law enforcement agents based on what their marriage counselor isolated as control issues, masculinity problems, and yearning to dress like someone invading Poland, you remain steadfast for success, albeit as a complete novice.

As quick as lightning you are speaking with the commanding officer, a stern figure, seasoned in getting men to agree with him, or drop 13 floors to their death. Within fives minutes it is clear you are in the company of a man who would prefer to be eating Grape Nuts.

Negotiations can be very tense. Often there is excessive screaming and foul language. "I hate you!" "You rat bastard!" "Get bent!" At this point it is wise to not take it personally, and accept your commanding officer's words as positive criticism, even if he's using a megaphone.

If the assailant is demanding a ransom you must defer to Rule 4 of your manual, which says, "Be clear." Skip Rule 5, which reiterates Rule 4 in more Victorian language, going straight to Rule 11, which reads, "Are you successfully finished yet?" If yes, proceed to the nearest pub. If no, inform the assailant which pub you'll be in, with a contact number to be reached for emergencies only, as well as the approximate time of your return. Advise the assailant to avoid speaking coarsely in front of the curious children: “We shouldn't want the young tykes falling prey to vulgarity" – save for the fact most of them are pebble tossing penitentiary-bound prodigies encouraging the poor sap to "go for it."

If the assailant is holding a ransom and threatening suicide, then by all means try narrowing it down to one. (At heart they are stubborn people.) There's nothing worse than a meddlesome malfeasant trying to multitask. Most of them are downtrodden men at best, dedicating most of their lives to one petty crime or another, out on state charges, living with their mother, biting their time to test law enforcement's psychologically trained arm at the expense of the common tax payer.

After an hour of insults, spitting, hurtled flying objects, you realize the commanding officer's behavior is getting you nowhere. At this point, Rule 15 of your Manual is the best option: assume a Lithuanian accent, create a diversion for your exit, hand your clipboard to one of the perilous children, while keeping your lunch break open to a few more minutes.