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Making Adult Dating Pizzaz-y!

Dipping your toes back into the dating pool after you’ve begrudgingly reconciled with having children older than Methuselah’s baby booties can certainly seem disheartening. One method to reduce the stress involved might be to mix your quest with a relaxing meal in a safe, public setting. Somewhere you might sample a calming glass of wine, get distracted with tantalizing food choices - generally be embraced by the soothing ambience of a well-attended, upscale restaurant (with prompt cab service close at hand, just in case...).

Yes, the stress of making probing yet general dinner conversation with someone you only know from an online profile recedes, while discovering delightful, tasty appetizers, and some long forgotten song plays softly in the background.

You must remember to download that song as soon as you return home…

While waiting for your meal to arrive, you playfully try to generate a little laughter by reaching over and tugging a leaf off the plant sitting on the ledge nearby, making a big production out of it as you gnaw on the leaf as a prelude to the entree you’ve ordered.

Ah, laughter. Then suddenly, your mouth begins to feel dry. Drier than you would expect for a plant that really should contain liberal amounts of moisture, had the staff been properly attending to their foliage.

It also seems that you are having significant trouble swallowing…

Your date’s demeanour begins to shift from polite amusement to concern at the dry, barking sound you are making while trying to reestablish any ability to inhale, or feel your tongue. Other guests are becoming entirely unsettled by the unsightly bulge of your eyes…

The waiter, stopping by your table with an appetizer choice, is startled by the odd variations in colour between your forehead and your chin. Your desperate waving motion is unclear for him to determine what the potential problem may be, so your date points to the guilty plant, indicating partial consumption of a leafy shoot.

This waiter, who just happens to be an amateur botanist, is unable to conceal his concern as he points out that the plant is a dieffenbachia, and that those very parts of the plant you have consumed are in fact poisonous, whispers nervously “perhaps it would be prudent if we all headed to the lobby while we wait for an ambulance”. You desperately try miming that you can’t feel your teeth…

At the emergency room, the attending physician calms you with assurances that the poison in the plant is fairly mild, and while it may have briefly paralyzed your throat, you will survive to explain the experience to your colleagues and one of your sons, who happened to see you as the paramedics wheeled you out from the restaurant on a stretcher.

Upon reflection, you will consider trying this dating and dining experience again. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a nice evening out, in a fine local restaurant - as long as you refrain from nibbling the décor??