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How To Shop For A Health Care Provider

First off, put aside any thoughts you may have had of dying a healthy death and start right now by planning on getting sick - sick enough, and soon enough so that actually purchasing health care insurance from anyone at all will make sound economic sense.

Barring the blessed relief of a sudden death scenario, this is the only way to avoid the worst health care decision (or non-decision) of all which would be to just throw your hard-earned money down the drain.

Once you’ve accepted the idea that illness is unavoidable, you’ll have to decide on which conditions, ailments, sicknesses or diseases you will be most likely to acquire before choosing the best provider for you.

This choice is absolutely critical because not all health care providers are equipped to handle all sorts of situations. I mean, if you had an arrow stuck through your head, you wouldn’t go to a podiatrist, would you? (This does not apply to people who may live in a small town with only one podiatrist and no trauma center.)

Of course, chance plays a big part in any decision, so it’s best to ponder it carefully before choosing a health care provider who may be adept at covering the heartbreak of psoriasis, but fail to cover many of the newly emerging diseases such as Ebola.

This may be a good time to consult an experienced prognosticator such as an astrologer, a clairvoyant, or less expensive options such as the I-Ching, or a Ouiji Board - or else just flip a coin which is the time-honored method used to decide who gets to kick off first in a football game.

Another critical factor involves interpreting the health care provider’s schedule of drugs. Their schedules are arranged in tiers, much like diving boards perched at various heights above an empty pool. Tier one drugs, such as band-aids and analgesics, are usually covered at cut-rate costs by most plans. Tier two drugs and beyond become increasingly more expensive, and inevitably require co-payments on your part that could spiral out of control and cause delirium. The cost of drugs used in cancer care are determined by the type of cancer you develop. Nevertheless, whichever health care provider you choose, steady financial drainage should not be ruled out.

However, if you do survive the healthcare nightmare, you can declare bankruptcy and begin life anew. Employers cannot discriminate against job applicants whose hair has fallen out. Indeed, total baldness suggests the qualities of heightened intelligence and aggressiveness that most employers seek in today’s job market.

For the rarest illnesses, it’s best to choose a health care provider who has close ties to a drug company that focuses on that particular illness.

Choose your health care provider wisely and avoid the creeping Stalinization of American medicine where sick people would be stigmatized as being unhealthy and unproductive cogs in a society that values financial acumen above all else.

To your health!